Yes, this is a sequel to the first article that was a massive worldwide smash hit, a blockbuster article that made me millions, so now I don’t have to work anymore but just relax, be a bum, and blog.
I’m still a penniless blogger, but here are another five things that make sense only in movies, but in reality, are pure nonsense.
1. Pac-Man-style running
Bad guy gets into a car, chases down hero. On a two-lane road. What does hero do? Run like hell. In a straight line. All the hero has to do is run to the side where the car can’t follow, and he’d be safe as houses. But no! For some strange reason, people in movies are possessed by the spirit of Pac-Man when chased by vehicles, and they start running in straight lines. It was the same as that scene in Prometheus when a character ran from a toppling spacecraft … yes, in a straight line.
People in movies can’t play any kind of sports. Imagine if they played baseball, all they can ever do is run to first base.
2. My heart will go on
In the hospital emergency room, a patient’s heart suddenly stops. The doctor barks instructions at everyone, and starts pumping the patient’s chest. When nothing happens in just mere seconds, he calls for the defi … defrill … umm, defibrillator. You know, that pair of thingies that look like clothes irons? A nurse then squirts some squidgy paste on them, the doctor rubs them together, then places the thingies on the patient’s chest, and shouts “CLEAR!” Then, BOOM! The patient’s body is rocked by the electrical shock. Nothing. BOOM! again, and still nothing. Then, one last BOOM! and the patient comes back to life. Hurrah!
Patient’s heart stops. Doctor uses the defibrillator, and instantly kills patient. Lawsuit ensues. Not many movie lovers know this, but the defibrillator is used to STOP the patient’s heart, not to start it. This is to have the heart restart itself and get into a regular rhythm again. And you do NOT use the defibrillator more than once with a few seconds’ intervals. That’s like kicking a man when he’s already dead.
3. Kiss me deadly
Someone meets with an accident, and his heart stops. A good Samaritan feels for a pulse, finds none. Feels for a breath, finds none also. The noble rescuer then applies CPR, straddling the dead guy, and pumping on his chest. And after every few seconds, the rescuer does mouth-to-mouth, then pumps again. Then the dead guy suddenly comes to life, coughing hard. And if it’s a drowning victim, he would puke up water. Then he would get up and walk away like nothing ever happened. Hurrah!
Rescuer finds dead guy, quickly applies CPR. Dead guy remains dead. The end. Actually, CPR is useless when someone is already technically dead. But if the heart or breathing has just stopped, CPR is used to keep the blood flowing and oxygenated, to prevent brain damage and ultimately death, until real help arrives. And normally, the person ends up with broken ribs because of the pressure applied to the body. You don’t get up and walk away to a McDonald’s for a Happy Meal after you’re been resuscitated, especially after you’ve been to the Pearly Gates for a couple of minutes.
4. Home is where the haunt is
Family moves into a new house. Then weird things start to happen. They call in paranormal investigators or exorcists, but those charlatans can’t do a thing. Family places cameras around the house to capture footage of the disturbances. Manages to get scary images. Things get worse, people get hurt. Still, they stay in the house, and cry, scream, run, get possessed, until the end credits.
If I put cameras around the house and I capture footage of a long-haired ghost or things moving by themselves or catching fire for no reason, I’m getting the fuck out of there, mortgage or no mortgage. I’m sorry but I don’t think I can buy my soul back with money.
5. Hello darkness, my old friend
This one’s a classic. Girl is alone in the house. Suddenly she hears a weird noise coming from the basement. Instead of heading straight for the phone and calling the cops, or just getting the hell out, she goes towards the basement, climbs down the creaky stairs, all the while calling out “Hello, is anybody there?” like she’s expecting a hockey mask-wearing party guest or two.
Ditto No. 4.